Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. -Psalm 27:10
Lately I have been feeling super emotional and rejected. With “feeling” and “rejected” being the operative words, I know it’s not from the Lord and I must seek His face more and more. “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul” (Deuteronomy 4:29).
I went on a trip recently and since being back I’ve been trying to get back on track spiritually. Before I went away I had somewhat of a goal of staying on track but it never usually happens that way. So many things happened on this trip but in this blog, I’m going to talk about my meeting with my father.
As I’ve written before, I’ve grown up in a single parent household all of my life. My mother never married. I had uncles but it’s different when you actually think about having a father in the home; someone to talk to about boys, to tell you you’re pretty and deserve the best everyday, someone to just plainly represent a strong man, my protector and one whom I could count on, My Daddy.
I suppose even those girls that have grown up with a father in the house may not have had most or even all of these experiences but for me, that’s what I would have wanted. Seeing single parent households when I was younger seemed pretty normal to me. I knew I didn’t have a dad, but I can’t remember thinking about it too much when I was smaller. I didn’t realize how much a dad could have been quite useful until I was much older and out of the house. As I began being noticed by guys, and getting into relationships I had no business being in, God showed me what I really needed was Him. He was my Father. Father to the Fatherless.
At this point, getting closer with the Lord, and discovering who I am as a woman of Christ, trying new hobbies getting involved, etc, I thought I was good. I thought I had gotten over the whole “daddy not being there thing” because I had God, and I was cool. I accepted this man for what and who he was. He couldn’t hurt me, because I knew who I belonged to. Well, this is only partly true.
I had planned this trip for a few months. I decided that since I would be in an area close by, I’d reach out to my paternal side. My father has 3 other children, 2 boys and 1 girl. The younger two children are 9 and 3. My sister is who I wanted to see the most. I always wanted a sister growing up and although she is several years younger than me, I thought oh well it’s still a blessing.
I’d spoken to my dad months prior to my vacay and planned things out. I’d see him for a bit and my sister could also stay with my aunt and I for a few days. He was about an 1 1/2 hours away but told me that since I’d came so far, he would definitely be there. I suddenly forgot all the things I’d talked to the Lord about. I forgot he was flakey, and he let me down many times before. I was 11 again, the first time I met him. He bought me a boatload of gifts, proclaimed many promises, then left. I was 24 again. He promised to send a ticket so I could come visit and we’d spend time together, and he didn’t. The list goes on. This time I thought was different. I just simply believed him.
When the time finally came, I heard from my cousin they’d spoke to him a day before I got there and the word was that he didn’t sound too sure that he would be coming to see me. I called and called. No answer. Finally, he called back and said he had to take my sister to school but he’d be there afterwards the next day. Okay dad. I called, no answer. He called back later that evening and said my sister needed school clothes, she didn’t wind up going to school. I said I would have taken her shopping. Then it was he couldn’t find a way to get where I was, and he’d try to get one of my aunts to bring me. I waited but kinda gave up at the same time. He never called back. He never came.
I remember waking up one morning very angry. I’d rather be angry at times then hurt b/c in my mind it stops my vulnerability and points blame that I “feel” is supposed to be there towards the other person. I was numb in bed. I couldn’t get up until I prayed. I prayed and prayed for him. I prayed that I would forgive him and that he couldn’t hurt me any longer.
Since I’ve been back I’ve noticed i’m on this sort of emotional roller coaster, and I’ve realized that did really hurt. No one likes to feel rejected, and I felt even more silly as if it was my fault b/c I allowed myself to hurt by him again. I almost heard the Lord say “I told you so”. I know that was my words, not the Lord, but for a second I just wanted to shut God out. I was embarrassed. I proclaimed to God that I was His and He was mine, He was all I ever needed, that I’d never look for love and attention from anyone else again. Well there I was trying to get it from my dad, but trying not to acknowledge that that was what I was doing.
When I start thinking too much, getting in my own plans, I can be rather dangerous….to myself that is. You see, I tried making plans, and placed God in the background. I attempted to take the lead and envisioned about all these things that would happen. When they didn’t I became disappointed. It wasn’t God’s fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. I was looking to fill a void and I forgot the One who holds my hand. I forgot the nights I’ve cried and prayed. I forgot about Him holding me and speaking to me through His words. I forgot because I wanted to. I was looking to write my own story, looking for that feeling of family, of a daddy from this man, when the Lord was trying to remind me that He was all of these things. But I acted as if I just had to have more as if He wasn’t quite enough.
I suppose I had this perfect testimony that would proclaim how the Lord allowed me to meet my dad and sister, how we had this kumbaya moment and all was good. But this wouldn’t be from the Lord, this was all me, all my doing. In contrast God has shown me, that He is the author of my life and though it hurts when I think about it, He gave me a much greater testimony of how awesome He truly is. If all of that had worked out, I may have gotten conceited in my own ways and believed I didn’t need Him much anymore. Sometimes the Lord has to break everything that we believe to be true just to cause us to get on our face and kneel down before Him where we belong.
Sometimes I wish I never went on that trip or make those plans, but if I didn’t I wouldn’t not be in the place I am right now. And perhaps at this moment, this is rightly where I need to be so that God can continue to mold me how He wants me, not what I want. My dad is who my mother conceived me with, BUT MY GOD, well, He’s bigger than a dad. He is the one who created me. He is My Father. And I’m reminded as I write this that the “feelings” from this situation with my earthly dad are not comparable to all of the warmth, grace and love God wraps me in. I need to remember this every single day.
I truly pray that this week will be different than the last and that I will use this experience as a stepping stool that will catapult me forward on this path God has me on. I’ll fall on my face again, but with Him, I’ll surely be okay and so will you!:)
Love,
Missy Anne
