I love my mom. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss or have a thought about her. But no matter how devastating losing my mother was for me, it was also a spiritual gain.
When my mom died. I wanted to die too. I had many feelings of guilt. Every second, I pondered thoughts of what I should have done differently or what I could’ve told her before her passing. Instead, I had settled for praying from afar as my best option for both our sake. We didn’t communicate well.
My mom was a very helpful, giving, determined and beautiful woman. She was one of the oldest and most responsible of 7 children. She often helped my grandmother take care of the younger ones. I recall her making Thanksgiving meals for her brother’s family after his wife died. And selflessly moving another brother in her home, caring for him night and day while he was sick. She never asked for much or anything in return from anyone.
Then there was the tough side. She wanted me to be better than she was and have more than she did. So, looking back I know she raised me out of fear and pure hopes of survival. In contrast to all of the great things I could attribute a lot of my passions of helping others to, I had also learned how to be distrustful, disrespectful and demanding of men a lot from my mom as well. I was to be self-sufficient, get my own things and depend on no one. All maybe good sounding to some, but after you get all these things what else do you have? They were not sustaining to me.
In college, I began going to church, became Saved and thought I knew it all. I thought I was so different. But I still walked in the same beliefs everyday as my mom did. They’d just been masked and coated with phrases of this is “my truth”, and “my pain”. I’d blamed everything on my upbringing and hadn’t realized I was the spitting image of the mom whom in many ways I thought I’d become better than.
After her death. I was grieving by spending a lot of time focusing on the past, things I could not change. I was angry at God because He didn’t give me more time with my mom. I also questioned why He allowed “my mom” to die but others to live as if I was being punished because I didn’t try “hard enough” to help her. My sadness turned to confusion then anger. I no longer had a mother here on earth. I had no one to name as a reason for my choices in life and I also felt alone.
On top of it all, everything happened right at the brink of the pandemic. After being mandated to my home, there was nothing more to do but think and face myself. I watched countless hours of youtube, talked to people I shouldn’t have, and started projects around my home in efforts to ignore the problem. I tried everything opposite of what I knew to do from a professional counseling and Christian perspective to stop the pain. No matter how much I’d try to sulk or ignore God’s tug, I couldn’t. I’d already been going through my own issues prior to my mom’s death and hadn’t been to church in over 2 years. Then, I began watching my good ole faithful Tony Evans sermons and praying more. I would see young ladies’ testimonies pop up in my youtube news feed or would be watching a video and the person would talk about God. I knew I had to get better not just for myself but for my son as well. I also knew those videos weren’t popping up by accident.
Here’s what I learned and how I began to heal:
False beliefs/thinking (Generational curses)
There are no such thing as generational curses. I am not “stuck” because I was born to a specific family. No idea what and who came up with this christian-ese term, but it’s a LIE! I’m a new creation in Christ (1 Corinthians 5:17). I’ve been so ever since I was Saved in 2005’. My mom’s past or story does not dictate my future. We are two separate people. As a Christian woman, I am not to replace my poor decision making as an excuse due to “generational curses”. After thinking about my mom’s life and knowing how she grew up, I began to understand how she’d become the way that she was. She grew up in a two-parent household, but amidst a lot of turmoil and dysfunction. She learned behaviors and opinions of men and people in general because of what she watched my grandmother go through. And I also acted the same way as I watched her. Obviously, the effects of sin are passed down through generations BUT it doesn’t mean that I have to accept those behaviors and actions as my own. It’s an excuse. Because of God’s grace, His sovereignty and the mere fact that Jesus Christ has Saved me by faith in Him alone. There is no curse (Romans 8:1). I am FREE, always have been!
You can be too, if you give your life to Him (Romans 10:9-10).
Forgiveness
God allowed me to see that both my mom and I had almost been living identical lives. I was struggling with depression prior to her death and afterwards. As I thought about what she had gone through before and during the time she was sick, everything came full circle. We were struggling with the same things. Life had taken a toll on us both and we grew discouraged and simply put, tired. We both needed each other but never said so. I discovered a lot as I thought about my childhood because I could see that I was becoming the same way with my son. Eventually, with God’s help, I began to forgive myself and my mother, which included a lot of angry moments, bitterness, more guilt and blame. But in sharing my real, unfiltered thoughts to God, I grew more compassionate for my mom, not to mention myself. I felt sorry for her but I also began to understand the true personal meaning of forgiveness and grace. (Ephesians 4:31-32/ 1 Peter 5:10)
To know that she passed away without hearing “I’m sorry” from those that hurt her, including myself or letting go of all the pain she felt breaks my heart. She never felt the beauty of the true freedom of forgiveness, especially embracing it through God’s word and not being so hard on herself. My comfort now is in knowing that I’ve learned a lot of lessons through God’s grace and although my mom did not believe that she had the life she’d hoped for, her dreams still live through my son and I. And she was alive to see a great deal of them come true. And due to this freedom I’ve acquired from forgiving my mom and myself, I was also able to forgive and apologize to others I hurt as well.
Purpose
My past choices do not define my current day or my future. I would not be here today if they did. I know God has plans and a purpose for my life. I loved the scripture verse Jeremiah 29:11. But as I always write, most people forget about the next few verses v12-14. I have to seek Him first and He’ll deliver me from where He sent me captive to. Actually, I placed myself captive many times with my thoughts, places I went, people I had no business being with or around, that was all me. As a result of my choices, people may have been the conduits between them and my actions, but I had to take accountability and quit pointing fingers. As I continue to seek Him, that is when His full plan and purpose will be revealed. During this time, God has been so gracious and loving to me. Just knowing I’m still breathing is a gift within itself. Do I wish I had taken different paths before? Absolutely. But when I think about where I could have been on some of those paths, I’m so GOOD now, super Grateful!
The devil loves to keep people in isolation, believing we’re alone and that no one else could ever be feeling the same way. It’s his job. Being aware of the tricks and games he plays are ours! The only way we can do that is to seek God and stay in His word. There’s no other way (1 Peter 5:8)!
Let’s Pray,
Heavenly Father, in the Mighty Name of Your Son Jesus Christ, we are honored to have the privilege to come before your throne, thanking You that we are not alone. You are here for every bit of joy and pain that we feel. Thank you for both the joy and the pain because without either one, we wouldn’t know You and experience both the mercy and love You so graciously bestow upon us each and every day. You are greater than anything the world could offer or ever call good. You alone are worth far more than material things, money or fame. You have given us life, new songs to sing, eyes to see new days, to not only live in, but come alive through by way of Your Holy words. We simply love You Lord. Please continue to comfort those of us who have lost a loved one and those of us who may have lost ourselves along the way. Your word says that You are close to the brokenhearted. Remind us of the presence of Your Glory as we read Your word, pray, serve each other, or get the strength to make it out of bed on days that feel super tough. If we are still here, we are usable, and moldable for You, Your Kingdom and Your Purpose.
In Jesus name we pray,
Amen.
Love,
MissyAnne
