People tell my son that he’s so cute all the time. I won’t sit here and disagree, that’s my baby. But my baby is now growing into a young man. So when he hears “he’s cute”, it goes to his head. It wouldn’t be so bad if these people didn’t talk about his “cuteness” at the most inopportune time. This little boy loves attention. He decided on one of our trips to the barbershop to showcase this cuteness. He thought he was on tv, like one of the kids on the Disney channel that retorts a sarcastic comment to their parents and the audience laughs. In real-life this Mama wasn’t laughing. Mr. “Jim” keeps toys for the kiddos in his shop. Out comes the power ranger, then the playing cards, then another power ranger. “Sit down that’s enough toys”, I said calmly. In his Disney tv spirit, he began to walk towards the dresser. Before he made step number two, I stopped him in mid step and made him sit down. “You did not have to do that” he says in a room full of onlookers. Surprised, I say “maybe so, but you were not listening”. “I know he says, but I wanted another toy so I was going to get it”. Now that aint cute.
Let’s take a mini stroll back to my childhood. Growing up in an African American family, I was taught like many other kids in my neighborhood that if you do something “bad” anything from talking back real crazy or stealing a car (a stretch, but you get the point), you’re going to get “it”, a whoopin’. Let;s see, there was the belt, the shoe, and whatever yo mama could find around the house! It was a norm. My mother didn’t tolerate any flipping of the lip as the older moms would say. Now, she’s in grandma mode and one of the people that go on and on about her grandson. “Oh Missy Anne, he’s so cute” she says as he goes through the living room knocking everything down in sight because on any given day he’s Captain America, Superman or Michael Jackson. And they don’t walk, they zoooooom!! I don’t know what happens to mothers when they become grandmothers, it’s as if they undergo a brain transfusion. All of the sudden, they have the patience of Job, they talk softer, and always have money to spend!
Although I do see my mother as a strong woman, she mostly taught me how to survive and beat the odds. What I missed were lessons on how to be a parent. How could I be a mother who raises my children void of fear, and stress but rather filled with peace knowing the Lord has everything under control.
Single parenting is a big job. Maybe my mom is just enjoying her freedom right now, not to mention the fact that after a few hours of visiting, she can go home. Maybe she felt she had to be stern with me because it was how she was raised, or maybe she was scared and didn’t want me to be a wild teen, or maybe she was frustrated with bills. The maybe’s are endless. We all know raising a child period is complex, more complex than any science formula or book. A lot of it is improvisation; thinking on the spot and trying to trust that you’re doing the best you can. It’s way different than any past relationship. I cannot be Seinfeld picky and decide that I’m moving on week after week. I can’t throw my son out when he leaves the toilet seat up, I’ve had to learn the hard way, lights on, look, turn, then, sit.
I couldn’t get examples of how to peacefully discipline my son from my childhood, school textbooks, or grandma who will not be leaving “la la land where her cute grandson reigns anytime soon. I had to realize the only One who can help and give me the strength and wisdom I needed is the Lord.
So how can we raise our children in all their cuteness, still maintain discipline and peace of mind? Here’s some of what I’ve learned so far.
Live Guilt Free: When I first had my son, I definitely had my share of struggles. I heard a multitude of opinions from other mothers, and I just wanted to be perfect with my son. I wanted to make up for the predetermined life and outcome I thought I destined for him prior to his conception and when I didn’t marry his father. I second guessed almost every choice I made. But here’s the thing, my son’s future is in the hands of his maker, the Lord, not mines. The Bible says to “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad”. Proverbs 29:17. As a mother my job is to love and provide for him, help teach him Godly principles and teach him as much as I can. He’ll continue to grow and use his own free will. I can discipline him now by taking toys away, timeouts or no tv (oooh he hates this one), but he will soon be grown and I will have no control over the decisions he makes. But at the end of the day, I pray that whatever road of life he chooses, the foundation, I am laying down for him now is firmly built upon solid ground and his spirit will always be drawn back to the Lord. Placing this in the Lords hands is providing true peace as I grow more into motherhood.
Trust the Lord Perhaps like me you didn’t plan for your little one, or you did plan but things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would. Your raising your little one (s) alone have a lot on your shoulders, to include discipline. One bit of advice I have learned, never allow the emotions of anyone to include your children dictate your response of the behavior. Cliché of the day: “Kids are super smart” They can read you like a book. Often times, I noticed when I immediately got upset to my sons behavior and yelled, it got his attention but I’d soon find him repeating the behavior. Unless, your kid is about to jump off a bridge (prayerfully NOT), it’s ok to walk away, and give yourself a “mommy time out”. Anger is not the way to lead. That day in the barbershop when my cute kid talked back, my face felt like fire. But before I said a word, the Lord stopped me, I paused (mental mommy time out) and then responded. Anger creates more walls than bridges. The key is not to react but respond in a way that promotes discipline and correction that will last. Yelling or spanking last for only a few minutes which then increases similar behaviors not to mention rebellion. Boy have I had a lot of trials and errors. I have blamed my frustration on others, what certain people were or were not doing and I blamed myself and I would sometimes entertain the thoughts of whether I should have aborted my son. All of these thoughts were all lies from the enemy trying to cause me to believe that the choice I made to keep my son would bring me burden and sorrow. But AHA!!!!!! We know that the tables should be turned and the enemy is the sorry one! The Bible tells us that every child born would crush the head of satan. (Genesis 3:15) My son is a gift from the Lord. The Lord will provide all strength When I began to turn my frustration towards satan based on the fact that he is the ultimate liar, my thoughts begin to change and peace began to grow. I place my hope not in myself, my planning, or other human effort but in the Lord. I ask Him for the help that I will need. No one is perfect, and the Lord provides the grace that we need in our weakness as we seek to rely and rest in Him (2nd Corinthians 12:9).
Get a life No, seriously that’s no typo, get a life! I’ve wrapped so much of my life around my son, I didn’t know how to hang out with other adults, even when I could. If your entire life revolves only around your child (ren), it probably shouldn’t be a surprises that you get so frustrated when they don’t listen to you. The Lord has truly blessed me with means to provide and spend more time with my son despite my daily schedule. I remember picking him up from school early one day. I had everything planned, we’d spend time together, maybe a movie, basketball, something fun. I walk in the classroom and he turns to me and says “What are you doing here, I want to play with my friends”. Well, right there I knew I needed a life, a hobby perhaps! Before he was even thought about, I had so many plans, (there’s that p word again). I would travel, write books, start ministries. The enemy would have liked for me to keep believing that those dreams were over, I’m stuck, trapped, too busy. All lies. The Lord has shown me that there is nothing within my story that is useless or in vein. Everything that I have experienced can be used to comfort someone else, the way my Heavenly Father has comforted me. (2 Corinthians 1:4). Do I get discouraged sometimes? Yes. Do I get tired sometimes? Yes. But there are nations upon nations that are waiting for you and I to share our stories. They are waiting to hear how freeing the deliverance and peace of the Lord can be. So take my advice, decide to do something more with your free time like serve others or share your story.
Marriage is not a Solvent Did this thought ever come to your mind? “If I had a husband, things would be easier” Well, first I don’t think raising any child will ever be easy. Secondly, it’s important to place your dependence upon the Lord and not any man. I had these thoughts, wanting a husband, someone to help and save me from all the stress and frustrating moments. Look at the words I’ve used “help” and “save“. Instead of attaching them to the Lord, I placed them on man. The things that I am learning, the things that I pray the Lord helps you to learn are lessons that cannot be developed or fixed by a husband. I believe the Lord wants all of our dependency to be placed upon Him. There is nothing wrong with desiring a husband, as long as it is from a desire of wanting to be a helpmate, a part of a familial spirit filled covenant, not wanting someone to fix your problems. Marriage is another form of ministry where both man and woman do such things as serve and help build God’s Kingdom. Marriage is beautiful thing, but what I don’t want to do is walk into it full of anger, placing unnecessary stress on my husband related to areas that I should have sought healing from the Lord prior to saying “I do”. That wouldn’t be fair to my husband or children. If it is in God’s will for you and I to be married, submission and having a relationship with the Lord is essential. I know of a few unhappy married women who struggle daily, sometimes even more than I. So, seek His help first in raising your children and mending any other issues you may have related with single parenting. God will blossom everything else in His perfect will and timing.” But essentially He is the ultimate prize, not a man (1 Corinthians 9:24-27). Take your time, “For the vision [is] yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry”. -Habbakuk 2:3
Spend Time Together and Pray as if your life depended on it Because it really does! Praying with your children is very important. It shows your closeness with the Lord, and can also display your own vulnerability. How many times have you said “I can’t let my kids see me cry or look weak”? You think that’s showing a good example, your invincible, at times tough. Our kids tend to begin to think the same way. But, how many times have you also gotten frustrated with your children because they expect you to do everything and you’re not able to? Huge double standard here! However, when you pray with your child (ren) and allow them to see you kneel face down before the Lord pouring your heart out in all humility, I think it shows the little ones that you have more in common than they thought. They’re not the only ones who get scared or upset sometimes, mommy does too. Mommy needs help like anyone else and is dependent upon someone greater than the both of you. It may also open up lines for more honest communication.
My son and I participated in his first pinewood derby car race with his cubscouts den. I’ll be honest, it was not my scene, but hey anything to support the little one. 40 scouts, 3 turns each, 5 hours. But my son was proud of his car. “I was #2 mommy!”, he shouted. I’ve hiked, played basketball, attended crowded basketball games, ran around bases during t-ball, many things out of my introverted comfort zone. The Lord has shown me that on this road towards peace that I too am in constant need of humility, lots of change and discipline. Simply put, I’m learning to trade my ways for His.
This is definitely a reminder scripture for me……Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it”. Hebrews 12:11
Praying for you on your parenting journey,
With Love,
Missy Anne
